


The trouble with... disposing of bodies

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Cannibalism, Crack, Murder, Tribbles (Star Trek)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-08
Updated: 2011-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:02:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tastes like chicken.  Metalocalypse/ Star Trek/ Critters<br/><a href="http://hallokatzchen.tumblr.com/">Hallokatzchen</a> threw me this idea (and then the pic) about a year ago, I wrote it then but just never posted it.  (I sort of mixed up <a href="http://my10online.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/troubles-with-tribbles.jpg">tribbles</a> and <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_nJLGJOxc1is/TSInHiSlYWI/AAAAAAAAAHM/8GYzjODLxGg/s1600/critters.png">critters</a>, but oh well.)<br/>Warnings: rape, murder, cannibalism, minor character death (but it’s crack)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The trouble with... disposing of bodies

It was a perfectly normal night, except that Skwisgaar was really pissed. Okay, it was a _mostly_ normal might then. “Heys Dildoface! I’s sick of you saysing dat you ams faster dan me!”  
The other band members gathered around and watched with sick glee, hoping for a gory spectacle.  
Magnus stroked his indeed extremely dildo-like beard in a somewhat superior manner. “Whatever, Skwisgaar. What are you going to do, fuck me ‘til I die?”  
“You knows, dat ams a pretty good ideas. Holds him, you guys.” Skwisgaar immediately started taking off all his clothes.

 

Nathan was a little slow to react, because what the fuck were they really doing? But Pickles and Murderface quickly grabbed Magnus and stripped him of his clothes. Actually, Murderface used his knife to help, inflicting several minor cuts in the process.  
Then with Nathan’s help (he was onboard now), they forcefully bent him over the back of the couch. Nathan held his head down smooshed into the cushions while Pickles and Murderface each grabbed a leg so he couldn’t kick. Kicking your rapist wasn’t cool, dude.  
Skwisgaar grinned and stepped into place.

 

To lube or not to lube, that was the question. Well, the fucking him until he died part would probably go better without lube... but that might hurt _him_ a lot too. A chaffed dick wouldn’t be a good thing at all, that’s what he decided. “Murderfaces, beams me down some lubes.”  
Murderface touched an upside-down V-shaped button on his vest, and really excellent lube materialized out of thin air and splashed onto Skwisgaar’s cock. There, that would do nicely.  
So then, as requested/ according to plan, he began to violently fuck his really annoying band mate. In the ass, of course. (In case you were unclear on that.)

 

Magnus wasn’t very comfortable at that moment. Besides the rather large Swedish cock up his ass, his face was pressed so hard into the couch that he could hardly breathe. And also, one of them (Murderface?) seemed to be chewing on his left calf.  
He was almost ready to admit that Skwisgaar was the fastest... but not just yet.  
Skwisgaar came, at that pace it didn’t take long. “Murderface, beams me a down new erections.”  
Murderface again did as asked.

 

Nathan was getting bored with just holding his end, and started randomly jabbing a collection of Pickles’ discarded drink umbrellas into the man’s back in a somewhat interesting pattern.  
Also bored, Murderface was currently carving designs in the leg he held with his giant fucking knife. Pickles was just a useless, really high paperweight, but still effective if only for that.  
It took all of about 45 minutes for Magnus to die.  
And then they suddenly realized that they’d better get rid of the body, or they’d have to, you know, _explain_ things.

 

Stepping back, they studied the dead but still randomly bleeding former musician (with colorful festive cocktail umbrellas!) and considered their options.  
Murderface raised his hand like the obedient schoolboy he never was. “I schay I call my friend Kirk, he’sch got thisch guy who raised thesche thingsch...”  
“Ja okays, whatevers Murderfaces. Jus calls him.”  
Yay, they could pass this mess off to someone else!

 

Murderface touched his button-thing again. “Hey Kirk! We need to borrow that Toki guy and thosche thingsch he breedsch!”  
“Toki and the tribbles, you got it, Buddy!” Kirk replied happily. (Was he high or something?) “Beaming them _right_ down!”  
And suddenly, right there in the room with them, materialized a guy and a bunch of hairballs with teeth.  
“Hi Moiderface! We’s here to eats the dead dude!” Toki was a lot better looking that you’d expect a breeder of carnivorous furballs to be. If you were the type to think about that sort of thing, that is.

They all pointed to the previously described dead guy, and Toki gave a command to his... whatever the fuck those things were. They all fell on Magnus, eating him.  
Yes, even Toki, how the fuck do you think he taught them to eat stuff?  
In a matter of minutes (never mind how many), there were nothing but bones remaining. It seemed that tribbles didn’t eat bones. Nope, not at all.  
_Evidence_ remained, whatever would they do now?

 

They turned to Toki, only he could save them. Well, it made sense at the time.  
Toki pulled some random yet futuristic device out of his pocket and quickly vaporized all the bones. They all stared at him in shock.  
Pickles patted the couch where the bones had oh so recently been. “Dude! Could ya ‘ave jest done thet ta tha whole body?”  
Toki nodded. “Ja, but that’s no funs.”  
That made sense. Well not really, but close enough.

 

But- Oh shit, they were now short one musician.  
“Well fuck,” Nathan groaned and considered experimenting with preforming CPR on the empty space where the skeleton had been, “We have a show tomorrow! Now what?”  
Toki collected a stray hairball that currently was trying to eat Skwisgaar, and jumped up and down excitedly. “I’s a guitarist!”  
“Fines, den you ams hired. Welcomes to de bands, now be getting dat ting aways from mine penis.” It had way too many teeth to possibly give a decent blowjob, mouthy as it might be.

 

So Toki beamed all the tribbles back, and then Murderface accidently broke his transmitter (and Toki’s) so they could no longer contact the Enterprise.  
But that was okay, because Toki was tired of just being a tribble breeder, and was happy to stay as long as Skwisgaar promised not to fuck him _quite_ to death.  
And that’s how the modern Dethklok was formed.  
NOW YOU KNOW.


End file.
